When a person is having an emotional affair that
hasn't yet turned physical, the frequency of sex with his or
her partner can actually increase
Has your sex life changed?
When your partner shuts down, it can be hard to tell if what you’re
dealing with is just a rough patch in your relationship—or if he’s
hiding something from you. Maybe he’s being faithful
physically, but what about emotionally?
Emotional affairs are much less defined than physical ones, which is why they’re so challenging to pinpoint, says
Jane Greer, Ph.D., author of
What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship.
With developments as subtle as lingering glances, it’s not always easy
to see when a friendship has blossomed into something more. If your gut
is telling you that something’s off, here are seven signs to look out
for that might indicate your S.O. is having an emotional affair. If
several apply, consider having a discussion to clear the air.
1. Your Sex Life Has Drastically Improved—or Dropped Off
When a person is having an emotional affair that hasn’t yet turned
physical, the frequency of sex with his or her partner can actually
increase. "The passion for the one he desires is played out in the
relationship he’s already in," says psychotherapist Ginnie Love, Ph.D.
Of course, every guy is different—for some, when there’s an uptick in
emotional intimacy with someone new, the level of sexual interest in his
current partner takes a nose dive.
2. He Seems Distant or Detached
If your guy is scoring attention and emotional support from someone
else, he might stop discussing the intricacies of his life with you. We
only have so much emotional energy to go around, says Love, and our
attention tends to go where we are most drawn. Over time, this can also
lead to physical detachment. "If your partner is spending the time he
previously spent with you on someone else, that is an immediate warning
sign that needs to be addressed," adds Love.
3. His Attitude Toward You Has Changed
In addition to pulling away, he may start praising his new obsession
and criticizing you—say, throwing shade about your cooking skills or
taste in movies, even though these aspects of your personality never
seemed to bother him before. "This is especially dangerous territory
because he may be unconsciously sizing you up," says Love, comparing you
to a fantasy version of the other person and idealizing what it might
be like to be with her.
4. His Tech Habits Have Changed
If he doesn’t text very often and is suddenly glued to his phone or
spends more time browsing on social media than he used to, this is a
behavioral change that might signify something’s up, says Love. And if
he starts dodging details about who he’s keeping in touch with, this
could be a subtle admission of guilt. "On some level, he knows what he’s
doing isn’t quite right and that you’d understandably feel jealous, so
he avoids and evades, thinking that what you don’t know won’t hurt you,"
says Gail Saltz, M.D., psychiatrist and author of
The Power of Different.
5. He Drops Her Name Constantly
"We mention friends from time to time, but a constant name drop is
disrespectful and inappropriate," says Love. It’s basically an
invitation for you to call him on it. And when you do, take note of his
reaction. If he’s super-defensive about their friendship, reiterates
that there’s nothing going on between them multiple times, or is
super-forceful about wanting you to believe him, it might be time to
take stock of his loyalty, says Saltz.
6. He Argues With You Differently
If you’re hearing new and surprising comments from him in response to
disagreements you’ve been having for a long time, it could be a sign
that he’s been spilling on your relationship issues with her, and then
absorbing her commentary on them."Chances are these are her responses
when he tells her about fights the two of you have, and he’s taking them
in and using them in your arguments," says Saltz.
7. You’re Starting to Feel Like the Third Wheel in Your Own Relationship
Say you’re at a party with your mate and his friend shows up. If your
guy immediately leaves you alone to tend to her needs, that’s the big
red flag. "If you start to feel like you’re not number one and that
everything significant isn’t being shared with you first, you may not be
on solid ground in your relationship," says Greer.
If
several of these signs do apply to your S.O. and you can’t shake the
feeling that something’s up, it’s better to be upfront about your
concerns sooner rather than later. "Bring it up by saying you feel your
partner’s been distant, and that it has something to do with the
closeness they’ve developed with another person," says Saltz. "Be honest
about wanting them to stop and reinvest in your relationship, discuss
any problems, and rebuild your bond—but the emotional affair has to end
first." Expressing your hurt and concern doesn’t mean you’re pointing
fingers—it just means you care about what happens to your relationship
and you’re willing to do the work.
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